


A Phan Compilation

by cafephan



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-19
Updated: 2015-03-23
Packaged: 2018-03-18 15:57:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3575225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cafephan/pseuds/cafephan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This work is undefined by a genre, as it's a little bit of everything.</p>
<p>Basically, I will post all my single, un-chaptered Phan works here, and I hope you'll enjoy them.</p>
<p>Follow my phanfiction blog; cafephan.tumblr.com xx</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Long Distance - songfic (2009!Phan angst)

Summary: Only two days after Dan and Phil met for the first time, they were separated once again. Dan consistently tries to get in contact with Phil, but he seems to be blocking all contact.

Songfic based heavily on ‘Long Distance’ by Megan and Liz. I s t r o n g l y suggest you listen to the song as you read x

***

After the fourth consecutive voicemail greeting, Dan sighed and leaned back against the headboard of his bed, glaring at his phone in front of him. He knew that Phil wasn’t filming any videos for at least another three days, and that was the only time he wouldn’t reply, any other time Phil would make it his mission to reply to Dan as soon as humanly possible. It had been like this for days, now, and all the calls, texts, Facebook messages, Twitter DMs and Skype calls had gone unanswered. It was so out of character for Phil to act such a way, nevertheless around Dan.

Dan looked around his room, at all the posters and band merch he had laying around, littering the walls and floor. Everything reminded him of Phil. Everything made him reminisce, whether it be that the band’s music was playing the first time they kissed, the first time Phil said he thinks he could really be falling for Dan…

Memories were all they seemed to be now, not a satisfactory start to something they’ll finish at a later date, which was Dan’s ideal. It wasn’t like he wasn’t considerate, he was, he waited patiently for a reply for the first day, understanding and respecting that Phil needed to tidy his house after Dan’s visit and go to see his friends and whatnot as he had spent the entirety of Dan’s visit with him and him alone. 

Dan just wanted Phil to feel the same.

Everyone had always told Dan, ever since he was a child barely young enough to capacitate language, that he needed to be careful. Not to be near sharp objects, not to play with fire, not to tempt fate with stupid superstitions. He just wished someone had warned him about his first heartbreak. But Dan concluded that this, what he was going through now, was much worse than a breakup. It was one-sided, brutal, with no indication why.

It wasn’t like Dan had suffered anything like it in the past, either, not even the friendship equivalent. He had always been a private boy, keeping himself to himself and that’s how he liked it, which was fortunate because that’s the way he was forced to be. Phil was the first and only person to know the in-depth Dan, the one who was passionate about music and video games and how the persistent bullying really made him feel, that he couldn’t simply shrug it off as he tried so hard to make it seem. And for what? 

He wouldn’t let himself cry, he wouldn’t let himself scream. He sat in silence, propped up against the headboard just staring at his phone, each tear that was teetering back and forth on his waterline making the device harder to see, and even harder to see the message that was displayed when the screen illuminated.

Without a second to contemplate, Dan blinked the tears away as best he could and snatched his phone, unlocking it as quick as his fingers would allow. 

The phone company.

The fucking phone company promoting a shitty marketing campaign that nobody would ever give a damn about.

Not Phil, not the boy he’d confided his whole life and his biggest fears and secrets to.

The phone company who would not give a damn if he just died.

Who would?? 

Evidently not Phil.

Dan threw his phone to the floor, not daring to spend another second looking at his phone background, of course of he and Phil from the morning after their first night together, hair dishevelled and Phil placing a sleepy kiss onto Dan’s cheek, whilst Dan grinned widely, genuinely.

Dan compared himself in the picture to how he looked now.

Tears had started falling involuntarily at some point without him noticing and were creating shiny tracks down both cheeks, dotting his carpet. The bags around his eyes were prominent and dark, for once not caused by all-nighters on the internet (Dan hadn’t been online for hours, nearly a full day), but the result of staying up all night for days on end staring at his phone, willing for it to receive contact from Phil. 

But it didn’t.

Dan caught sight of something stuck in the corner of his mirror frame, a piece of paper that had curled over on itself thus hiding its content. He unrolled the paper and almost immediately it was dampened by a stream of tears. 

A screenshot Dan had taken from the very first video of Phil’s that he ever watched. 

He wanted to remember the first time he’d felt genuinely happy, finding another boy with the same lost eyes, hidden behind an ocean blue of tranquillity that Dan fell into instantaneously, mesmerised was as close as words could come to describing the event. But Dan could tell something deeper was going on with the boy on YouTube, he had a hunch that maybe, just maybe, the boy was going through or had gone through – and survived – the same thing as Dan. And made him believe that maybe he could do the same thing.

Dan held the screenshot in his shaking grip, and studied Phil’s face, every inch of it perfection. Not a microscopic element of Phil would he change, not a hair on his head. Eventually Dan reached Phil’s lips on the picture, and the paper was squeezed tighter in his grip. 

The very same pink lips that Dan felt against his own merely days ago, the very same lips that spoke against Dan’s own – "I’m so glad you’re finally here".

Phil’s arms in the screenshot were simply down by his sides, such a casual position. But again, it was so much more for Dan.

They were the arms that looped around Dan’s waist as soon as Phil found him at the train station, luggage forgotten about completely as they just stood in each other’s embrace.  
They were the arms that gracefully wrapped around Dan’s neck as they danced in the moonlight, completely clichéd but utterly perfect in the moment. Any excuse for them to be closer to each other.

The hands that caressed Dan in such a way he could not even begin to put into words.

The hands that enveloped Dan’s own as Phil eagerly showed Dan his bedroom, and beamed brightly upon seeing the awe-struck younger marvel at the background of his favourite Internet star.

His favourite person ever, Dan would argue, and Phil would roll his eyes playfully.

Dan smiled slightly at the memory, as soon after came their first kiss. It was gentle, barely there, and not enough for Dan at all. Phil looked down at Dan afterwards, as if looking for consent before he repeated the action. Dan grinned and leaned up to kiss Phil, with as much passion and feeling as he could possibly muster.

“You’re too young to know what you want” Phil would tell the eighteen year old, and Dan would shake his head.

“You’re not much older! But I know that I want you” Dan would insist every time, and would lean up to kiss the other boy once again.

“Well that’s good, I’m glad you have your priorities in life” Phil would joke, and Dan would pout, completely baffled as to why Phil couldn’t see how much he meant to him.  
“Also convenient, because I want you too” Phil would add eventually, and would then dip his head to convey the sincerity of his words via a kiss.

Dan tucked the paper back inside the mirror frame and made his way back over to his bed, and perched on the end. He had read somewhere, probably Tumblr, that when you find someone you love, like really love, they do actually take a piece of you. They take your affection, they take your own love that’s locked away deep inside, they take away your sadness and replace it with sheer bliss.

And, as much as he tried to deny it to console himself, Dan knew Phil was still taking all but the latter from Dan, even though he seemed to be a million miles away, and was refusing contact for whatever reason thus seeming a million more.

Out of habit by now, Dan dialled Phil’s number, and prayed for a response. He crossed his fingers and even his legs, for double luck, but the generic robotic voicemail tone was all that greeted him.

For a split second, the thought disappearing as soon as it appeared, Dan almost wished they didn’t meet. He almost wished he didn’t pay an extortionate price for the train ticket. He almost wished he didn’t stay up for the two nights before they met, preparing exactly what to say. He almost wished he didn’t rehearse again and again the perfect way to tell Phil he loved him. 

Because he did, despite what anyone else thought.

Hell, he still does. Current scenario and all.

He left Manchester wondering what he and Phil were to each other, not knowing a certain, definitive answer. Phil assured him they would sort everything out once Dan got home, they would get their feelings completely out in the open after experiencing each other in the flesh.

Dan still found himself holding onto the little things, like the way the sun peeked out from the clouds upon their first embrace, and how the lamplight bounced off of Phil’s cheek as he buried his head in the crook of Dan’s neck. How genuine Phil sounded when he begged and sobbed I don’t want you to leave.

He wanted to know how Phil was doing, not even if he was thinking about Dan. He just wanted to know the mundane things he would tell his viewers, like what happened to him in town or what the delivery guy said to him. But no videos were uploaded since before Dan visited, the latest one being the one that Dan helped Phil to edit.

He just wanted Phil to pretend to feel the same, just for a second. He wanted to know where he stood with the boy he loved.

Dan took a deep breath and got up from his bed, and walked over to his desk, hastily switching on his laptop and logging in as quickly as was allowed for the first time in about a day, he’d been cut off from social media completely, focusing only on his phone, the redial button, and trying not to be heard by his parents.

“Please, Phil. For me” Dan begged, his voice cracking at the end of the utterance.

He opened up Facebook and Twitter, not daring to attempt Skype in his current state of appearance.

‘Dan Howell to Phil Lester: I really miss you x’  
Message not sent. Intended recipient is not a friend of yours.

With a rapidly clouding vision and increasingly dampening waterline once again, Dan switched to the Twitter tab, clinging on to the last miniscule wisp of hope he had left. Most were dashed and ripped to shreds already.  
Focusing on his laptop rather than his uncontrollable streaming eyes, Dan shakily typed.

‘@danisnotonfire to @AmazingPhil: I really miss you, Phil x’  
Message not sent. Recipient does not follow you.


	2. Pop Goes Phan #1 - One Direction

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whilst they are separated and with their families for the holidays, Dan and Phil decide to attempt to communicate only through pop lyrics to avoid soppy I miss you’s and I love you’s, which kind of works… to an extent.
> 
> (note every consecutive line will likely be a different song unless stated otherwise, and the stuff in brackets is additional things aka not lyrics) x
> 
> Day One: One Direction
> 
> (D = Dan, P = Phil)

D: Would it be completely accurate to say that I’m the biggest pop music fan of the two of us? (Hint: yes) x

P: No, it wouldn’t. It’s been proven on many occasions that I am in fact the better of the two of us in that aspect x

D: Oh yeah? Care to make it interesting? Only talk via One Direction lyrics for the rest of the day: GO 

D: OH, and you can’t repeat yourself aka saying the same song twice in a row

P: You’re going down

D: Not tonight dear I’m still a little stiff from last time x

P: -_- -_- 

***

P: We won’t be going home for so long….

D: Would you wanna stay if I were to say…

P: …My mother told me I should go and get some therapy

D: God only knows

P: I CAN’T CONTAIN THIS ANYMORE

D: ARE YOU SLEEPING BABY BY YOURSELF? (You’d best be)

P: BABY I’LL NEVER LEAVE IF YOU KEEP HOLDING ME THIS WAY (um, take that how you want)

D: I miss everything we do (take that how YOU want)

P: There’s something happening here…

D: I’m just trying to read the signals I’m receiving… 

P: I would walk down the aisle…

D: (that can be arranged!) Is that so wrong??

P: Our love is made up, no?

D: NO NO NO (sorry I had to continue the song there bc reasons :(( )

D: I don’t have the answer…

P: You’re all I ever wanted (hopping off the soppy train now)

D: Took a minute, (for you) to steal my heart tonight

P: I want to stay up all night.

D: Something(one)’s gotta give now (you, you give up)

P: I’m not done yet (nice try, these songs are great for one liners)

D: Everything you do is magic… (believe me ;) )

P: … Do you remember Summer ’09?

D: (sigh, gotta break the rules again) Just can’t lie, was the best time of my life x

P: Show me what you’re all about

D: You’re messing with my head! (seriously, STOP WITH THESE SUGGESTIVE LYRICS I’M WITH MY PARENTS I CAN’T AFFORD TO GET ‘EXCITED’)

P: I’m in love with you… and [all] your little thing[s] 

D: (I hate you, Lester, but then again I love you) 


	3. Gone - Ebony Day (songfic)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After trusting in an adoption agency, four years later Dan and Phil were finally chosen to receive a baby. However, complications arise during the child’s first day, and the two of them end up going home alone.
> 
> Genre – Angst, Death

This is based heavily on the song 'Gone' by Ebony Day (obviously a few aspects changed), and I strongly suggest listening to it as you read.

***

The door to the flat swung open, and Phil shuffled inside, dripping from head to toe. His red-rimmed eyes were pouring with tears, he was far from okay. Dan followed him inside, tears streaming from his own eyes, and sobbing so much there was no chance of controlling never mind stopping it. 

“I just want the pain to go away” Dan shrieked through his sobs, before curling up in the corner of the room with his knees to his chest.

After the night of tense waiting in the hospital, neither of the couple got any sleep, and in the end it was a fruitless endeavour. They returned home with the same quantity of people they left with – just the two of them. 

Phil had no idea how to comfort Dan, or if he even could at all. He needed comforting himself, but if he wasn’t the rock in the relationship, nobody else would be. He turned to look at his boyfriend, who was still sobbing erratically, but was now looking to the toybox that stood at the opposite end of the living room, unused and hidden by the shadows.

“Dan, maybe we should get something to eat, your choice of takeaway” Phil said softly as he walked over and sat opposite his boyfriend. 

“He was right here, yesterday” Dan mumbled, looking up at the ceiling then down at his hands, which were in the position in which one would hold a small baby. His paternal instincts were still very much intact, and it broke Phil’s heart a million times over that he would never get to see Dan use them.

Phil swallowed back the lump in his throat, and kept his gaze firmly on Dan, determined not to break down again, although inside he was just as bad as Dan. 

“And where is he today? Tell me where he is, Phil. Please” Dan prompted, causing Phil to feel as if he was walking on extremely fragile eggshells. 

“He’s… he’s gone” Phil muttered quietly, as if the almost inaudible tone of his voice made the statement any less of a reality. 

Dan let off another batch of sobs, and for once Phil didn’t set off to comfort him, didn’t set to cradle him in his arms.

“Maybe it’s us” he stated, tone of voice as sturdy as a rock.

“What do you mean” Dan replied, wiping his eyes yet shifting his gaze to the wooden floor of the living room.

“Maybe it’s us. Maybe we’re not meant to be together, maybe we-“ 

“Don’t say it Phil, please” Dan begged, his voice as shaky as his hands. Usually, he would’ve laughed at the pathetic movie character saying the same thing, but somehow it wasn’t a cliché when happening in real life.

“But what if it us, Dan? If we were meant to be together, like really, meant to be together, why did this happen to us?” Phil began, his voice getting significantly louder with every syllable spoken.

Dan couldn’t respond, couldn’t believe the words were coming out of Phil’s mouth. He could only stare, and pray that Phil would see the true side of things, realise he was speaking things he hopefully didn’t mean.

“After all the years of trying and trying and trying, to get a damn adoption response for nearly four years, we were picked. And when it finally happened, our miracle baby, it was the best damn thing in my life. Why did this have to happen? To me? To us? If we were meant to be, like all that soulmate stuff we see everywhere, this wouldn’t have happened, it just wouldn’t” by the end of the speech Phil had ended up the way he started, in a crumple on the floor with his voice barely even a whisper.

He sat with his head in his hands for a few minutes, until his sobs had died down in volume and his breathing was somewhat manageable. He then focussed on Dan’s sobs, and how they didn’t change in volume, pitch or quantity. Every so often, he would hear his name in the undertone of a sob, occasionally in the context of a prayer.

Phil’s previous words caught up to him, and he realised how caught up in his own paranoia he was. He hurt Dan, more than he was hurting already. Without as much of a second thought he rushed over to his side and took Dan’s hand in his.

“Dan” he whispered, and moved a few strands of tear-soddened hair from in front of his eyes.

He dared to make eye contact, but could barely see through his clouded vision. Phil’s next words were likely to be ones that would break Dan into a million pieces, when he was already halfway there. 

“I’m sorry. I-I wasn’t thinking straight. Please know that I can’t lose you too. You’re all I have left. We just had to say goodbye to our little miracle baby, and maybe this is a test. Everything happens for a reason, and I think that-“

“What, what do you think?” Dan interjected, using his free hand to wipe away fresh tears that were staining on top of the old ones.

Phil debated with himself, then shook his head. “I don’t know, babe. Let’s go get some sleep, we’ll be able to think clearly in the morning” he told Dan softly, before scooping him up bridal style, letting Dan’s tears soak into his jumper as he tucked his boyfriend into their bed and slid in beside him.

***  
Dan awoke from his light slumber a few hours later, feeling the same as before. The same agonisingly large metaphorical hole in his heart, the feeling of his entire life being a mere wrongdoing. 

He quickly realised Phil’s side of the bed was empty, and worry was immediately added to his list of current emotions. Phil would never just pick up and leave him, would he?

As Dan was pulling a hoodie over his body, he darted a glance over at the clock, which read three minutes past midnight. He was rapidly becoming panic stricken, and needed to find his boyfriend as soon as possible, for his own sanity.

He slowly made his way into the living room. He cautiously flicked on the living room light switch, only to find the room empty, but the wall of windows showing the snowfall, as dainty as that described in children’s storybooks. Which were laid in the corner, now serving no purpose. 

It was only when he went to observe the contrasting white of the freshly fallen snow to the purple-black of the winter night sky outside their building that he saw a figure sitting on the curb of the pavement, the identity of them soon becoming clearer due to the signature checked shirt and oversized lion plushie hanging off his lap.

“Phil” Dan called softly, as he made his way out of the house and started down the garden path towards him.

He didn’t answer, didn’t acknowledge Dan’s existence.

“Philip” he called again, standing right behind him now, letting the snow fall messily onto his head, an event which he would be annoyed about at any other time.

“This would have been his first time seeing snow” Phil muttered, whilst picking up a handful of snow then lazily flicking it off of his hand in chunks.

Dan stayed silent, trying not to cry once again.

“I could have taken him a walk around the block, showing him how much fun snow would be when he grew up” Phil continued, causing a lump to form in Dan’s throat due to the imagery of Phil’s words.

“Babe… come inside. This isn’t what he would have wanted, you know it isn’t” the sentence was the hardest thing for Dan to say, it may have been construed of him brushing off his son. But no, he was right.

“You know, I can still feel the warmth I felt when I held him for the first time, just like this” Phil turned to Dan, then gestured his arms to show how one traditionally holds a newborn infant, much like Dan had done not too long ago. 

“I can still feel his little heartbeat, and his little fingers wrapped around my thumb” he continued, before turning his gaze to his thumb, then up at the moon.

Dan took a seat beside him on the curb, disregarding the fact he was not dressed for a winter night, at all.

“No, Phil… he’s gone” Dan said with a gulp, effectively swallowing back the sob that was on the tip of release. He reached over to take Phil’s hand in his own, which he willingly accepted. He kissed Dan’s hand gently, and Dan tightened his grip.

***  
Dan found himself standing in the doorway of the nursery not too long after, staring at it in the moonlight. How the natural light only showed half of the Winnie The Pooh mural that was painted on the wall, how the paint can was still hanging untidily in the corner. How the room looked so different to when it was Dan’s old bedroom, before it was only logical for the established couple to sleep in one room, and they chose Phil’s.

How the crib stood prominent in the other corner, its plush mattress and pillows untouched. The mobile that hung from the ceiling above it, dangling down the ornaments and cuddly toys that family and friends had bought for Dan and Phil’s son.

Dan unwillingly thought back to the night just gone, how he and Phil had waited anxiously in the hospital room, just praying for someone to come and give them any news. Phil held Dan’s hand through the bars of the hospital bed, and Dan had the other hand cupped over his mouth as the nurse began to speak softly to them and tell them that they would be going home alone.

“If I knew that the first time I held you would have been the last, I never would have let you go” Dan spoke to the empty room, the break in his voice halfway through delivering the utterance echoing between the painted walls.

He reached out for a teddy bear that sat on the changing table by the door, and held it close. He reread the words on the bear’s shirt again and again, each time producing more and more tears.

‘Baby’s first teddy’.

Dan began to sob into the teddy bear’s head, the soft fibres struggling to absorb the moisture. 

He squeezed his eyes shut as he cried, thinking that if he did then maybe the pain would be released a little more easily. He was wrong.

Soon enough Phil’s arms wrapped around Dan’s waist, and his head on Dan’s shoulder. He kissed the side of his neck tenderly, Dan not even noticing his usually oversensitive area of skin, and Phil slowly led him over to the crib, then took one of Dan’s hands. 

The other hand took hold of the teddy’s other arm which Dan wasn’t gripping, and together they placed the bear into the crib, tucking it under the cloud print duvet.

They then turned their attention to the window, where rays of sunlight were gradually beginning to break through the snow clouds. 

“We love you, and we miss you” Dan spoke softly, speaking to his own ray of sunshine that was no longer physically attainable.

“Wherever you are” Phil added, then took one of Dan’s hands in his own, their fingers linked tightly together.

A ray of harsh morning sunshine shone right onto the couple, and another found its way onto the teddy bear, making the glitter wording on its shirt gleam ever so brightly.


	4. Into Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically I wrote this for my friend's birthday and it was the very first piece of Phanfiction I ever wrote so enjoy reading my crappy first attempts at joining the phanfiction community 
> 
> (I hope i've improved since this...)
> 
> Oh, and it's kind of very loosely based on 'Into Dust' by Mazzy Star so feel free to listen to that as you read x

“I didn’t have a best friend for the first eighteen years of my life” Dan began to tell a worried viewer during an Internet Support Group, “but now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. It’ll happen for you, just be patient. Good luck” he finished with a hopeful smile to the camera. 

It hurt Dan to know that some of his viewers suffered like he did during childhood. He had always made it his mission to help where he could, whether it be with a tweeted meme, a simple sarcastic tweet to their replies, or even a video addressing their worries like the one he’d just filmed. 

With a sigh, he got up and turned off the camera, ejecting the SD card ready to export the footage for editing later. He placed the card on the desk, and decided to reward himself with a coffee after countless hours of filming.

As he was leaving his bedroom to walk into the living room, Phil’s voice made him stay put, and just listen, hidden behind his doorframe. 

“If I had to have a superpower what would it be?”

Dan immediately remembered it was the time of Phil’s weekly liveshow, and they usually had a policy of not interrupting the other’s liveshow until it was of dire urgency.

“I don’t know… but here’s a similar kind of question, what superpower do you think you currently possess?” Phil read from the chat, and Dan remained stood behind the doorframe, still listening intently to his flatmate.

Phil was silent for a while, Dan assumed in contemplation.

“I- I don’t know? I’m pretty useless…” Phil told his liveshow viewers, and a lump formed in Dan’s throat.

Instead of running over to his flatmate and reassuring him that wasn’t true – because it wasn’t – Dan retreated back into his bedroom, softly closing the door behind him so Phil wouldn’t notice his eavesdropping, and clicked onto the YouNow app, and another click so he was now viewing Phil’s liveshow just like the other 12 thousand people.

For once, Dan was uncaring about what would be said about the two of them, in the past he had refrained from watching Phil’s liveshows since the last time ended up in disaster; danisnotonfire is now watching AmazingPhil’s liveshow! was all the internet could talk about for a week, petty really.

“Aw, Jess said I have the power to make people happy, and Katie T agreed and said barely anyone has such a power” Phil was blushing slightly, and it brought a smile to Dan’s face to see the chat blowing up with sweet, reassuring messages (he ignored the occasional ‘Dan is watching omg Phan is real!1!1’).

“Tabitha said I have the power to save people” Phil read from the chat, and Dan blinked back a tear that was beginning to teeter on his waterline.

He wished that 2009 could return, and he and Phil could relive their golden year. Where everything was candy floss clouds and golden syrup rivers, the time of the first philisnotonfire. 

But it couldn’t, because Dan screwed up.

***

“I think we’d just be better off… you know?” Dan sat cross-legged on the sofa in front of Phil, who had his head to the side in confusion.

“What do you mean?” Phil asked curiously, slowly withdrawing his hand from its previous position on top of Dan’s.

“You know… as friends. As Dan and Phil” Dan spoke slowly, trying to mask his real desire. He didn’t want this, he didn’t.

“As in isnotonfire and Amazing?” Phil asked in response, playing with his fingers in his lap, his glassy eyes now locked with Dan’s.

“Of course not that, as Howell and Lester, not as… Phan” Dan felt like he had to physically spell out his bluff to his boyfriend of nearly three years, who was now freely crying into his hands.

“Phil?” Dan asked, reaching a hand out to the older male who had now moved his knees up to his chest.

“I understand” Phil croaked, then swiftly jumped up and shuffled into his bedroom, gently closing and locking the door behind him.

Dan remained on the sofa, but now with his knees up to his chest, mirroring Phil from only a few seconds before. He didn’t need to do that, he really didn’t. He was just scared, and he wanted to save his precious dignity.

‘Phil’s too good for you, just wait til you find out’ 

‘I know you’ve not announced you’re together yet but it already doesn’t have a future’

‘Give it up’

‘You’re punching above your weight’

Dan read through more of his comments, all of which being received without him officially coming out, nevertheless with his relationship, well ex-relationship, with Phil.

**

It was days until Dan and Phil communicated again. Dan only saw Phil twice, once on a bathroom run and another when they both went to get cereal.

Dan watched Phil walk over solemnly to the sofa and laid down, his awkwardly long body stretching over the end of the sofa. He laid in silence, with the occasional sniffle making sure Dan’s attention was never diverted elsewhere.

Eventually, Dan walked over and sat in the armchair opposite the sofa, and thankfully Phil was facing where Dan was now sitting.

Phil set to turn over, but Dan quickly set a hand on Phil’s shoulder, preventing him to do so.

“You can’t be like this forever, it was only me” Dan spoke, breaking the uncomfortable silence, and Phil’s eyes widened.

“Only you?” he chuckled bitterly, causing a bubble of anxiety to form in Dan’s stomach. Where was Phil going with this?

“Only you?” Phil repeated, his voice with a noticeably louder tone to it this time.

“Yes” Dan replied, looking down at his lap.

“I can’t believe you’re trying to play that card” Phil stated, and Dan couldn’t mask his confusion.

“What card?” he asked, his voice smaller than ideal.

“The ‘I’m so innocent, I didn’t mean to break your heart’ card” Phil expanded, now sitting in an upright position.

“You don’t understand-“ Dan began, but was abruptly interrupted.

“No, I understand perfectly. It’s just me, isn’t it? I’m not good enough for you, so instead of letting your blindingly huge ego down you have to make me feel a million times worse. You know, there’s such a thing as letting one down easy” he was evidently pissed, that much was obvious, but as Dan set to open his mouth to explain, Phil held up a finger indicating he wasn’t finished.

“Did it ever occur to you that I could possibly be fading? You know, in the sense that I can never be enough for you?” instead of ranting further, Phil placed a cushion over his face and sobbed hysterically.

Dan was taken aback, more than ever before. How could Phil think that? It was literally the opposite. He had to know, he just had to…

“Okay, let’s talk this out, if you want to play it this way. How about when you always found an excuse not to be with me? All the ‘no sorry I have to get a new camera’ and ‘no sorry I’m meeting with Louise’s? News flash, Phil, we have a shelf full of spare cameras and Louise has been in Disneyland for the past three weeks” Dan was portraying every emotion he had into his tone, and the crack in his voice at the end gave away the most dominant.

“Oh, you want to know what that was? Fine” Phil shouted, throwing his arms in the air and storming into his bedroom, slamming the door behind him in a rage.

Dan sat in silence for a minute or two before Phil came back into the living room, holding a velvet bag in his hands, which he soon threw at the younger.

“Open it” he ordered, and Dan obeyed, undoing the bag and retrieving the small black velvet box inside.

“What? were you-“

“Yeah, I was. Happy fucking three years” Phil stomped back into his bedroom, leaving a purely shocked Dan in his wake, not only because of the taboo.

Without realising what he was doing Dan slipped the ring onto his finger and admired it in the light, it looked perfect – overly clichéd expression, yes, but utterly fitting.

Sadly, he had to remove the ring at some point, and slipped it safely back into the box then into the bag, then stored the bag into his chest of drawers in his room. 

“It would have been perfect…” Dan sighed to himself before he cried himself to sleep that night.

**

Dan had never been more in love with Phil, never more so than when he was avoiding all contact. 

It felt like Dan was just another of Phil’s viewers like in the pre-2009 era, as he got the same treatment as them. The tweets stopped, the liking and commenting of videos stopped, all social media interactions between Dan and Phil stopped. The fans noticed, and hourly both males’ news feeds on every network were cascaded with comments asking what happened.

Eventually, they gave up.

Just like Phil gave up on Dan.

Just like when Phil’s appearance went back to normal, the sleepless eyes replaced with the most tranquil of blue, the heavy bags beneath them thoroughly eradicated, the poorly covered up tear streaks as good as never existing.

Everything went back to before they met, regardless of living in rooms next to each other. 

They were back to being two strangers, their once unbreakable friendship now mere dust.

*** 

“You guys are all so nice!” Phil grinned as he read through the still buzzing chat.

“Hattie asks where Dan is” Phil read, and for a second Dan swore he saw Phil’s expression read sadness before returning to his grin, and Dan swallowed back the lump in his throat.

“I believe he is filming a video, so be on the lookout for that. I know I will be” Phil answered before quickly moving onto the next question.

Although the two were now on speaking terms, they were nowhere near as close. It wasn’t like Dan could just go and have a heart-to-heart conversation with Phil until 7am like they used to. The fact that they hadn’t even shared recent video ideas was odd, it was normally all they could hold a conversation about.

They could hold a conversation for maximum two hours, then one would have to make an excuse to leave before the uncomfortable and awkward atmosphere choked them to death.

“Okay it’s been very nice chatting with all of you, this liveshow was so relaxed! I’m going to say goodbye to a lot of people now so..” 

Dan clicked off the liveshow, knowing he wouldn’t be missing anything but a long list of fan names.

He then waited until the app confirmed Phil was offline, then strolled into the living room, where his best friend – Dan still very much considered him so – was closing his laptop and walking into the kitchen.

“How was your liveshow?” Dan asked, putting on a poker face and bringing back his bluffing skills from that fateful day.

“It was okay, I suppose. I got a lot of comments saying you were watching? But I guess that wasn’t true” Phil replied, head hanging low.

“You’re not useless” Dan blurted before his brain could catch up with his mouth, causing Phil to spin round on his heel. 

“So you were, yay” Phil teased with a weak smile before turning back to the cupboard and retrieving a bowl.

“Okay, this will sound weird but hear me out” Dan was apprehensive of what he was about to say, but Phil spun back around (with his bowl in his hands) all the same.

“Yeah, shoot” he encouraged whilst bending down to get the cereal.

“Can we… start over?” Dan asked, more hopeful than anything.

“What do you mean?” asked, still not giving Dan his undivided attention as he would’ve liked.

Dan bit his lip before taking a step forward, towards Phil.

“Dan Howell. YouTuber” he stated, making sure to emphasise the breaks between the words, holding a hand out towards Phil, who looked positively baffled.

“Phil Lester. YouTuber” Phil played along, still notably confused. 

“Nice to meet you” Dan grinned before pulling Phil into a hug, which evidently shocked him, as he tensed for a few seconds before willingly hugging Dan back.

“You’re such a nerd” Phil laughed, sounding genuinely happy, for the first time in years, for once not the fake happiness and enthusiasm he puts on for videos, meetups and liveshows.

“Your nerd” Dan replied automatically, his eyes widening once he realised what he’d just said.

“My nerd” Phil confirmed before squeezing Dan tighter, what could be construed as amorously.

Before either could tell what they were doing their lips were gently connecting, sweetly and softly. When they pulled away, they shared a simple smile, neither wanting to question what just happened.

“Goodnight, Phil” Dan bid his farewells and retreated back to his bedroom, trying his best to hide the skip in his step.

He pulled out some pyjama bottoms from the drawer and brushed upon the velvet from years ago, and ran his fingers across it.

“Maybe someday” he smiled to himself fondly.

Before he fell asleep that night, Dan grabbed his phone from the bedside table and sent a quick text to Phil, 2009 still vividly in his mind, their meeting a recurring focality.

‘It was you, breathless and tall’

He pressed send, and knew he would knew what he was referencing, their first meeting. When Dan knew, and still does know.

Around a minute later his phone buzzed, and the contents allowed him to sleep with a wide smile etched onto his face.

‘Still falling, breathless and on again’

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not the best writer but I like to think 'everything gets better with practise' applies..


End file.
